Monday, 23 May 2016

i hate that i love you

i hate that i love you

Theory brown skirt
£610 -

Zara black thigh high boots
£240 -

Monday, 20 April 2015


Well hello again. Long time no see, or rather speak. It's been nearly 6 months since I left university. Yep that's right, I actually followed through and dropped out. As much as I hate to think of myself as a 'drop-out', I'm 100% happier and healthy being out of that toxic environment. So a little update? Glad you asked!

So I officially left on Halloween 2014, and I started my new job on the 1st December 2014. I went to a few different interviews, sent off a hell of a lot of applications and changed my entire path within that month. Originally I applied for teaching assistant jobs, merely because I have experience and qualifications to do that. Plus I really do love being in schools, that was absolutely not one of the things that made me leave. But I decided that ideally I just wanted to work in an office. I'm a simple girl at heart. I love organisation and I wanted a job where I actually clocked off and left work at work. So I think I made a great choice for me. Its not a glamorous job at all, when I explain it to people they immediately think I work with rubbish and bins. But thats not the case, I'm in the accounts department for a waste management broker and its fun. Maths is my thing and I'm excited to be back into it again.

Going along with that I got my own car. I shared a little KA with my mum last year since I didn't really need one when I wasn't at home, but now I drive about 20-25 minutes each way to work so I needed a reliable little friend. And so came Pablo. He's a Nissan Pixo (I'd never heard of them either!) and he's all mine! In fact we had a little roadtrip at Easter to see my best friend and her family. It took about an hour and a half, and its the furthest I've ever driven on my own so I was a little nervous to say the least. But I made it there and back in one piece and I've got so much more confidence in my driving now!

Speaking of my best friend, I've stayed in contact with some uni people. My personal tutor, the most brilliant lecturer and mentor, actually retired recently. He sent me an email just to let me know how I could get in contact if I really needed to. That actually made me even more thankful that I left when I did because I couldn't have done my last year and a half without his help! Apart from him, obviously theres my friend, whose family is now mine! I love them all so much, they're the best family (apart from my own!) who make me feel so welcome even if my friend isn't around. Then theres the guy. If you read my last blog post about leaving then you may have read about the guy who I thought something would happen with? Well since leaving we've stayed in touch, and are probably closer that ever. He gives me butterflies when his name pops up and even if nothing ever comes of it, it makes me happy for now at least. When I first told him I'd left (he found out somehow and asked me outright) I just blurted out 'Does this mean we won't talk anymore?' and he actually just responded with 'what?!' before saying 'of course it doesn't.' So theres that. Phew! (Its been 6 months too so I don't think he was lying!)

There we have it. Work has been cray cray. Like some of the stuff thats happened is insane, considering there's only 8 people in the company it can be dramatic! But I love it there, I love my life, the life I've created for myself in half a year. 2015 has been my year. I've never felt so positive, I'm exhausted, I'm lonely at times but its all worth it. Because everyone has those times. No one is constantly perfect. All I wanted was to be happy. And I've achieved that goal.


Sunday, 19 October 2014

Changing times.

Okay after that last post I feel like I need to say that thing's have improved. But not enough. I am dropping out of university. I'm done here and I know it, so I can't justify spending another 2 years of my life trying to qualify to do a job that I won't want to do. To be a teacher you need to have the passion and drive to do your best every single day, and I don't think I have that drive anymore. I know I don't. Since I was in primary school myself I've wanted to teach, but it doesn't come naturally to me and if there's a way to get out of it I will. That's no way to do it. Don't get me wrong, I've had placement lessons where I've done well, really well and the kids got it. But I didn't feel the joy that I thought I would.

Ever since I applied to university I've wondered if it was the right thing. I tried to get out of it the day I got accepted but my dad just wouldn't let me explain. Since that day I think there's always been a part of me trying to escape from here. Everyone was so excited to come back after the summer but I dreaded it, the cheerful countdown for everyone else was the funeral march for me. I just wanted to stay at home forever, not go on placements, not do the assignments. So now that's what I'm doing. I'm applying for jobs, some of them are teaching assistant posts actually. I've got nothing against children or schools, I just don't want to be an actual teacher. Deep down I always knew this wasn't the right path for me to take and now I'm doing something about it. My parents are behind me now, backing me up. One family member has been absolutely amazing and I can't even thank her enough for what she's been saying to me.

So that's it. On the 31st October 2014 I will officially withdraw from my university course. And I do think it will make me so much happier. It's going to be hard saying goodbye to some people from here, I'll stay in touch with some but it's obvious that I'll never see others again. That's the hardest part I think. There's someone who I always thought something might happen with, but obviously now it won't. It's a shame because I did want it to but it's not worth being unhappy for.


Tuesday, 23 September 2014


I knew it. I just friggin' knew it. I'm going to contradict myself a lot in this post because at the end of my update last week I said that I wasn't going to sit downstairs all the time and I was going to just do me from now on. Well yeah...if you're a paranoid, people pleaser then that's difficult to do. No I don't want to sit down there but if I don't then I get left out. Which is what I knew would happen. 

Don't get me wrong, it's not a massive change from last year, I felt left out at times then too. But this time it feels worse. They don't fill me in on things I've missed when they've all been together and I haven't. They don't feel the need to actually include me when I am there either. And I know what you're thinking. It's my own fault for not being there. But it isn't. You see, every so often they have a new favourite tv show that just takes over the living room, last year was the same and so far this year is just as crap. I don't like what they do usually, hence my excitement at having a tv in my own room this year to watch my things! But when 3/4 housemates are obsessed with a show, watching one after the other every single day, no matter what time, no matter whether I'm there or not, well then it gets tricky. I come upstairs a lot, with my dinner every night so far. Just to get away from the rubbish and the awkwardness and also our terrible sofas. I like the quiet, I like being alone. But not when everyone else is all together like that, then I miss out. Big time. 

To make matters worse we've been split into different groups at uni for two difference assignments. The subject groups and then school groups. Well two of them are at the same school so of course they'll be working together a lot. Great. Then all three of them are in one subject and I'm in another. Isn't that just perfect?! I'll just slip further and further away until I don't even matter. I don't now anyway but it can always get worse. Then next year, or rather in a few months when we have to start looking, they'll all agree on a new house and this time they'll be a majority. Guess who'll lose? Me. As usual. I don't want tiny bedrooms in substitute of a big kitchen and living room. I don't want two manky toilets instead of one nice one. But I can guarantee now that that's what I'll end up living in. A complete mess. Yes I'm happy moving because downstairs is terrible, but at the same time I'm not happy to be somewhere I'm not comfortable. 

To wrap it up, I'm tired. Sick and tired of all of it. Uni, the house, friends, family (I can't even start on that one.) The works. I want to run away, drop out of uni, have a nicer job, be alone when I want to be. have friends who actually care. Yknow how people have that one best friend? The one they do everything with and love? I don't have that. I never really have. Isn't that sad? I'll never get one now. Nobody finds theirs in their 20's and that's when I'll be done here. I just give up. On life. I hate it all. I hate the way it's gone. I hate the way I chose for it to go. I hate it. So once again here I am, another year, another bedroom, another night of crying on my bed wishing I could go back and change the last 3 years of my life. Wishing it could be different. Good. How I wanted. How I still secretly want. But it can't. Because I gave in, like I always do. And yes some might say it's all my own fault. And I agree with them. I've tried to change but I can't. I'm a sad excuse for a human being and I can't do anything right. I try, I've tried. 

That's all folks.