Tuesday, 23 September 2014


I knew it. I just friggin' knew it. I'm going to contradict myself a lot in this post because at the end of my update last week I said that I wasn't going to sit downstairs all the time and I was going to just do me from now on. Well yeah...if you're a paranoid, people pleaser then that's difficult to do. No I don't want to sit down there but if I don't then I get left out. Which is what I knew would happen. 

Don't get me wrong, it's not a massive change from last year, I felt left out at times then too. But this time it feels worse. They don't fill me in on things I've missed when they've all been together and I haven't. They don't feel the need to actually include me when I am there either. And I know what you're thinking. It's my own fault for not being there. But it isn't. You see, every so often they have a new favourite tv show that just takes over the living room, last year was the same and so far this year is just as crap. I don't like what they do usually, hence my excitement at having a tv in my own room this year to watch my things! But when 3/4 housemates are obsessed with a show, watching one after the other every single day, no matter what time, no matter whether I'm there or not, well then it gets tricky. I come upstairs a lot, with my dinner every night so far. Just to get away from the rubbish and the awkwardness and also our terrible sofas. I like the quiet, I like being alone. But not when everyone else is all together like that, then I miss out. Big time. 

To make matters worse we've been split into different groups at uni for two difference assignments. The subject groups and then school groups. Well two of them are at the same school so of course they'll be working together a lot. Great. Then all three of them are in one subject and I'm in another. Isn't that just perfect?! I'll just slip further and further away until I don't even matter. I don't now anyway but it can always get worse. Then next year, or rather in a few months when we have to start looking, they'll all agree on a new house and this time they'll be a majority. Guess who'll lose? Me. As usual. I don't want tiny bedrooms in substitute of a big kitchen and living room. I don't want two manky toilets instead of one nice one. But I can guarantee now that that's what I'll end up living in. A complete mess. Yes I'm happy moving because downstairs is terrible, but at the same time I'm not happy to be somewhere I'm not comfortable. 

To wrap it up, I'm tired. Sick and tired of all of it. Uni, the house, friends, family (I can't even start on that one.) The works. I want to run away, drop out of uni, have a nicer job, be alone when I want to be. have friends who actually care. Yknow how people have that one best friend? The one they do everything with and love? I don't have that. I never really have. Isn't that sad? I'll never get one now. Nobody finds theirs in their 20's and that's when I'll be done here. I just give up. On life. I hate it all. I hate the way it's gone. I hate the way I chose for it to go. I hate it. So once again here I am, another year, another bedroom, another night of crying on my bed wishing I could go back and change the last 3 years of my life. Wishing it could be different. Good. How I wanted. How I still secretly want. But it can't. Because I gave in, like I always do. And yes some might say it's all my own fault. And I agree with them. I've tried to change but I can't. I'm a sad excuse for a human being and I can't do anything right. I try, I've tried. 

That's all folks. 


Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Life Update

Since this time last year my life has changed so much. I wrote a post about all of the things I'd gone out and got for my university halls room about 13 months ago now, and in 4 days I'll be moving into my second year house. It's crazy how quickly that first year has gone, I've had 3 teaching placements, 5 assignments, 1 flatmate leave and another come in, 1 boyfriend and numerous nights spent crying my room over all of the above. Nobody tells you how hard university really is if you're not a party goer. If you don't go out or drink at least some of the time then you really do start to feel lonely. I'll be honest, I thought I'd be happy to leave home, I was ready to be on my own, I didn't plan any of my weekends home or holidays. But within the first week I knew that I was wrong. So wrong. I hated it from day one. I spent a lot of time crying and facetiming my parents, wishing I could just stroke my dog or just lie on my bed. Don't expect me to say that I'm okay now and that I stopped feeling so down after a few months...nope. Didn't happen. The only thing I can say is that I won't be crying so much this year, I hope not anyway. 

The course itself wasn't too bad, don't get me wrong the placements were hell, for the most part. Well actually the last one was terrible, I hated all of it except for the bus journey there and back, so I think that one probably just tainted my memory of the first two. They were nice, a nice school, a nice partner, nice teachers, nice children! Enough of placements anyway. Assignments. Wow, they're tough. I didn't do too well with them to be completely honest, this year I need to buckle down and try my hardest for sure. I'm determined though, I know what I need to do. 

One of the biggest changes for me though has been starting slimming world with my dad over the summer. My eating habits are so different now, I stick to the plan so well and make sure I never over eat the things I shouldn't. I've lost 1st6lbs in 13 weeks now. It would have been more but in the middle of that time I stopped losing a lot, at most it was 1/2lb per week, which is alright in general but at slimming world people lose 2 or 3 lbs a week at least usually. So when I only lost half a pound a week for a month I knew there was something wrong because I was sticking to the plan everyday. Turns out I have an underactive thyroid, the same thing my dad has. To regulate it I need to take tablets everyday, and in the first few weeks I lost 7lbs. They really kickstarted the bigger losses again. Right now I'm not doing too well, I gained 1lb last week which I know was water weight because I pulled a muscle but I thought I'd lose it again this week plus more, but I know I haven't. Weigh in is tomorrow night so we'll see the damage then! Even though I go back to uni this weekend I'm sticking to slimming world and there's a group down the road from the new house so I'm going to that one instead. It'll be harder without my parents doing it too, especially living with 3 other people who don't do it, but I'll just have to be strong. 

In this past year I've had a lot of stuff to be angry and upset about. I hate myself for so much of the crap that I did, I should've made these changes months ago but I didn't. I carried on doing the things I knew weren't helping but I didn't care, I thought that I needed people who I didn't and I can completely see that now. They're gone and I'm making sure it stays that way because I cannot put up with all of the rubbish they bring anymore. I am so done with that. As horrible as it seems I do feel like this past year was full of mistakes. Big ones. But I need to move on now and enjoy myself. I'm 19 for crying out loud! I should be carefree and happy and this year I want to try that! Yes I have to worry about uni but not all the time, just at the important times when I have lots of work on. That's my goal now, to be happy. Forget the crap about love, or work, or family. Yes I'd like them to all work out but the thing is, if they all go well then I'll be happy anyway. The little things can make my day. A little parcel, a new candle, losing weight, a good lecture. There was one lecture that inspired me so much, my flatmates didn't bother going, I wasn't going to either but I went with another friend. Let me tell you...it was amazing! Seriously, I felt empowered, the sun was shining, my pens were smooth (I like stationary okay.) and I just felt happy. There's that word again. Happy.

I'm pretty excited about my room this year! Candles and fairy lights are allowed now! The yankee candles in my boxes are so ready to be lit, especially for halloween and christmas, but don't worry I'll be careful with them! Fingers crossed my room can be a haven this time, where I spend most of my time. I'm not going to be constantly downstairs with my housemates like last year, I want to sit on my bed and watch the TV I want to upstairs with my blog and my candles. 

Basically right now I'm in a good place. My mind is clear and healthy. I know what I want and what I need to do in order to be happy with myself, and that excites me more than anything. This is going to be my year, I'm going to make sure I surround myself with good thoughts and feelings from now on. I'm done with the heartache and the anger and the falseness. I'm being me now. And I'm ready. Ready to be happy.

MissKgt xoxo


Once again this blog needs a revamp. I say it so often, and always with the best of intentions but somehow I lose focus and motivation. Finding the time to blog is not the hardest thing in the world if I'm being honest, at times of course it's a bit more difficult, uni gets hectic with placements and assignments sometimes. Having said that majority of the time I have quite a bit of free time to do what I want, but that's never when I want to blog. I get these spurts of motivation when I think that I want to write a post, but I can never think of a topic and so I give up. Then again when I do have a reason I find that I just don't have the time to sit here and do it, and before I know it I'm not interested anymore. So with that being said I want to rejig the whole blog and try my absolute hardest to keep on top of it. 

The next post on here will be an update on my life, something that I've never really shared on here, but I figure it's a topic I can always write something about. I've tried youtube but I definitely do not have the confidence to do that. In the past 8 years I've filmed numerous videos, everything from a 'What's in my Bag' to various question tags about so many topics. Hence why I've written so many tags up on here instead, I want to share them and answer the questions but filming myself doing it isn't right for me. Not right now at least. Maybe one say I'll go ahead and press the upload button but definitely not now. 

I'm going to try really hard to write well on here and take some good pictures to go along with my posts, because I've been so half hearted with this for a long time and now I'm ready to go for it and do it well. There's so much in my head that I feel the need to share with people but there's one problem. Who do I share it with? If I say it out loud to people I know then it won't be mine anymore, they're know what I'm thinking and that's a scary thought for me. For a lot of people I imagine. So I suppose by putting it out there for strangers it's less scary. I've always been that way to be honest. I never share my biggest secrets with my closest friends like most people do, I share them with friends or random people I only see in certain places. Tell my best friend...or tell the people I only see in 3 subjects...always the latter! 

So I'll stop rambling now, if you made it this far give yourself a gold star! Basically I want to blog. I want to share. And I will now. Bookmark this page and check back soon, there'll be new things I promise. This isn't a promise to anyone out there, I've learned recently that doing that is asking for trouble and I now refuse to make them unless there is absolutely no chance at all of it failing. This is a promise to myself. I think that making them is okay, after all if I do break it what would I do to myself? This is my year. I'm going to be a better person I promise.