I knew it. I just friggin' knew it. I'm going to contradict myself a lot in this post because at the end of my update last week I said that I wasn't going to sit downstairs all the time and I was going to just do me from now on. Well yeah...if you're a paranoid, people pleaser then that's difficult to do. No I don't want to sit down there but if I don't then I get left out. Which is what I knew would happen.
Don't get me wrong, it's not a massive change from last year, I felt left out at times then too. But this time it feels worse. They don't fill me in on things I've missed when they've all been together and I haven't. They don't feel the need to actually include me when I am there either. And I know what you're thinking. It's my own fault for not being there. But it isn't. You see, every so often they have a new favourite tv show that just takes over the living room, last year was the same and so far this year is just as crap. I don't like what they do usually, hence my excitement at having a tv in my own room this year to watch my things! But when 3/4 housemates are obsessed with a show, watching one after the other every single day, no matter what time, no matter whether I'm there or not, well then it gets tricky. I come upstairs a lot, with my dinner every night so far. Just to get away from the rubbish and the awkwardness and also our terrible sofas. I like the quiet, I like being alone. But not when everyone else is all together like that, then I miss out. Big time.
To make matters worse we've been split into different groups at uni for two difference assignments. The subject groups and then school groups. Well two of them are at the same school so of course they'll be working together a lot. Great. Then all three of them are in one subject and I'm in another. Isn't that just perfect?! I'll just slip further and further away until I don't even matter. I don't now anyway but it can always get worse. Then next year, or rather in a few months when we have to start looking, they'll all agree on a new house and this time they'll be a majority. Guess who'll lose? Me. As usual. I don't want tiny bedrooms in substitute of a big kitchen and living room. I don't want two manky toilets instead of one nice one. But I can guarantee now that that's what I'll end up living in. A complete mess. Yes I'm happy moving because downstairs is terrible, but at the same time I'm not happy to be somewhere I'm not comfortable.
To wrap it up, I'm tired. Sick and tired of all of it. Uni, the house, friends, family (I can't even start on that one.) The works. I want to run away, drop out of uni, have a nicer job, be alone when I want to be. have friends who actually care. Yknow how people have that one best friend? The one they do everything with and love? I don't have that. I never really have. Isn't that sad? I'll never get one now. Nobody finds theirs in their 20's and that's when I'll be done here. I just give up. On life. I hate it all. I hate the way it's gone. I hate the way I chose for it to go. I hate it. So once again here I am, another year, another bedroom, another night of crying on my bed wishing I could go back and change the last 3 years of my life. Wishing it could be different. Good. How I wanted. How I still secretly want. But it can't. Because I gave in, like I always do. And yes some might say it's all my own fault. And I agree with them. I've tried to change but I can't. I'm a sad excuse for a human being and I can't do anything right. I try, I've tried.
That's all folks.